All the Things She Said
by Kaen
Summary: Is insanity an escape, or are some things only revealed to the insane? Songfic about Suboshi to the song "All the Things She Said" by Tatu.


All the Things She Said

By Kaen

Original music and lyrics by: Tatu

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I cry. What else can I do? What else is there to do? He's dying. The words spiral inwardly in my mind, but they never reach the center. They never sink in- my mind is too full with grief. Is this what I've come to? Not even being able to comprehend my own thoughts? Have I gone insane? Maybe not. If I had, I wouldn't be feeling this unfathomable pain. My lungs are filling with air, but in them also rests the weight of water, making my breaths ragged and labored. There is no water there, at least not in my body, but the last thing that I can feel of my brother is his pain. He's drowning, suffering, his pain is flowing to me, and yet, I feel no desire to cut our connection. I want to be with him, I want to die with him. He was all I have to live for, so why not die with him? I don't want to be left alone again. This time, I would be truly alone. I don't want that.

So I welcome the suffering, the pressure that strikes my body from the inside out. My very essence cries for air; when had I stopped breathing? It's makes no difference. I cough, my eyes registering colors of blue and black. Fitting, isn't it? It matches the river's currents that are sweeping him away from me. But that doesn't matter either. The darkness overtakes me, I feel my body collapsing… and then nothing. 

Why don't I feel anything? Am I dead yet? I hope so. I hope I'm dead. After my short miserable life, I want nothing more than to die, I desire nothing else. Is that so unreasonable? 

Something strange happened then. I couldn't see her, but I knew she was there. Who is she? That girl? Why is she here? How come I can sense her? Aren't I dead now? Why is she here? What is she doing? Calling me? Why? Does she even care about me? Does she love me?   
  


She says she does.

My illusion is shattered. I am alive. My entire being aches with unbearable pain, radiating from my body's core and my shattered soul. I am alive, and that is the greatest disappointment of my life. I am alive… and it's her fault. She called me. She said she cared about me –no- loved me. But that's not true. If she really loved me, she would understand my desire to perish. I wanted to die with my brother, and now, he's gone and I'm left alone. Truly, miserably alone. Malicious misery… 

I cry again, my grief knows no limits. Through tear-blurred eyes, something glinting in the light catches my eye. Where am I? The Temple of Seiryuu? Yes, he is a truly merciless god, isn't he? That's why I'm here, isn't it? But how…? 

It doesn't matter. Nothing does. But the glint in the shrine has caught my attention. I push myself off of the cold marble floor, my mind in a state of numbness. Perhaps I didn't understand what happened next, perhaps I did? Who's to say? But that thing that reflected the suns rays through the tiny window was so sharp, so deliciously sharp. It was so frighteningly delightful using it to sever the bands of my armguards, exposing the vulnerable white flesh. It captivates me, and I wonder how trails of crimson red would look adorning the deftly pale skin. 

I do not think as I drag my arm slowly over the golden spike, making a long cut from the joint of my elbow to the wrist. I repeat the act to the other arm, watching the blood drain away from me with a morbid fascination. It starts out a small drizzle, a few drops draining away slowly, soon joined by thicker streams. I simply tilt my head to the side and continue watching, even as the steady rivers of blood became more violent and rapid. I look over my shoulder and notice a wave approaching, the surf of blood, with white foam on its edges, just like the sea. It washes over my feet, which were suddenly naked. When it retracted, the blood was still there, dripping down from my ankles. Strange, the entire shrine seemed to be filling with blood. And… I'm naked? I'm so cold and I have no clothing to cover myself with. I am fully bared to the world, shivering in shame. My legs give out under me, and I sit naked of the blood-washed floor, hugging my weak knees to my chest, still sobbing like a child. 

I'm so scared. 

So scared, in fact, that I welcome the steady tidal wave that I hear approaching in the distance. The surf is rising around me, yet I can only think one thought: I want to die. Please, take me. And as the great wave gathered above me, another thought entered my mind.

Seiryuu no miko, I hate you. How could you do this to me? Why didn't you leave me to die in peace? I hate you!

Then the waves crashed, engulfing my being in the warm sticky liquid that stained the floors and walls. The white foam that had been there before was no longer present, there was nothing pure to see anymore. The white was gone and my entire world is… blood red. I'm drowning again, my lungs filling with the blood. Is this my blood that is suffocating me? Is it my brother's? My mother's? My father's? The soldiers I slaughtered? 

It is all the blood on my hands, coming back to punish me. So, punish me as you will, drag me down to your hell. I welcome you, so please, ravish my soul and steal my heart away from me. Make my heart into nothing, so that I may feel nothing. No, better yet, could you possibly take my life? Or, would that be too merciful? I am beneath the surface of your sea, left at your mercy as I gaze curiously up at the surface from your floor. I stretch out, spreading my legs and straightening my arms like a mortal to be sacrificed. I close my eyes, but I still see the blood. I can still feel it washing over my limbs and filling my lungs, and strangely enough, it's comforting. It's like a mother's embrace, something that I haven't felt for six torturous years, and so much did I miss it that I immediately drift away in that comfort. Finally, I am at peace and am blissful in my sanctuary of the sea of blood. I am happy now. I am in my heaven, my heaven made of the sadistic thoughts that have plagued my mind since I was a small child. 

Maybe I am insane? What does it matter? Nothing matters, nothing ever will again. Right?

But, that doubt has troubled my mind and my shoulder is the first to realize the cold that reaches out to beat it. My sea is draining, and the cold is whipping my skin, giving new pains to the old scars that I had received as a child. The gashes on my back were opening, the skin tearing apart like rice paper being ripped effortlessly down the middle. Yet I still do not wish my torture to cease. If this is my death, I deserve it. I blindly cling to the vague promise of a better world after the hell. 

Ironically, it is these thoughts that bring me even out of this torture. I welcome it so much that it becomes pleasurable, and that's not what the demons that riddle my soul desire. They know that the way to cause me the most pain would be to let me keep living, and that's exactly what they did. Digging their rough, scaled talons into my naked skin, they flap their black wings and the drag me to the surface of my consciousness and drop me there, my broken minding colliding with reality.

I am kneeling on the floor, hugging myself tightly as rivers of tears flood my ruddy cheeks. My ryuuseisui, my only remaining companion, hovers around me, warning off any who would dare try to penetrate my insanity. I know it now. I've lost my mind. That's the only way I could cope with this soul-shattering grief. 

What now? Who is there? It's her? Go away, I hate you. You did this to me. It's all your fault. You killed my brother too, didn't you? And then you steal me from death. Do you even know your sins? No? Well, I still hate you. 

I hate you!

And yet, she dares speak to me. How could she claim that she understands what I'm feeling? Is that possible? Unless she was my brother, no. Only he could truly understand these feelings, and if he could be aware of my mentality now, he'd be afraid of me. I scare those closest to me. In fact, all those who ever dared love me have met a gruesome end that they never deserved. 

Why couldn't I have protected them? Because I am weak. 

Why did they have to die? Because they loved me. 

Am I a demon? Yes. I slaughter those closest to me. 

And yet, this girl that I hate embraces me. She will hold me until I stop crying. Does she know how long that could be? If I could survive, I would cry for an eternity. And would she still be there for me then? Would she still care? 

Her embrace is so warm, though, am I swayed to believe so. But I hate her. What does she care about me? Did she salvage me for her own selfish intents? Does she really love me? The thought scares me, because suddenly, I don't hate her. I don't want her to die, and I don't want to die either.

Why did I change my mind? 

A choked sob escapes me as I cling to her, staining her white shirt with my tears. Surely, this is the fear, pain, and grief of one who knows that they truly lost, one who has left all reason behind without a way to replenish it. Sanity may come and go as it will. All that is important is this girl, who said she loves me and the fact that I love her, too. 

She said she loved me, didn't she? Enough to snatch me away from death…

'All the things she said,  
All the things she said…  
Running through my head,  
Running through my head…   
This is not enough…'

I awaken alone, my body greeted by the feel of softy blankets woven of fine fabrics and a plush mattress. I sigh, not bothering to open my eyes, in order to just revel in the comfort, even if only a second longer. I know that when I open my eyes, I will be alone. He is gone, he won't be there to comfort me when I start to cry. But even with this knowledge, I crack open a midnight blue eye just to confirm what I already know. 

I do not see my older brother, but I am not as alone as I had thought. She is there, and I notice that her small white hand still grasps mine, even in her sleep. She is so beautiful.

Yui, the Seiryuu no Miko, has captured my heart, not the demons that I offered it to. 

How? Because I love her, too. She said she loved me. She told me she loved me, didn't she? I couldn't possibly hate her any longer. I love her. I love her because she is all I have left, and right then and there, I pledge my life, my heart, and my soul to her.

I reach up to brush some strands of honey-blonde hair away from her beautifully sculpted face. She is so peaceful in her sleep, but even then she is so alive. Maybe she can help me…?

'I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost.  
If I'm asking for help it's only because  
Being with you has opened my eyes.  
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?'

Why is she afraid of me? She said that she loved me, didn't she? So why does she refuse my affection? My lips on hers felt so sweet to me, so why did she pull away? She is running away from me. I feel my heart aching. I did that to her. I scared away my angel, and she ran to Tomo. I want him to go away. He doesn't understand our love, and I don't want him to either. I let the demons make my heart into nothing, just for the night though. I want to be able to love her in the morning without memory of my blunder. I return to my isolated tent that can barely block the cold winds of the north and craw under the thickly laid covers, allowing my eyes to close. But the demons don't come. Why not? 

Why don't they enjoy torturing me as they used to? Because I feel love. That love for the angel chases them away.

'I keep asking myself, wondering how.  
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out.  
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me  
Nobody else so we can be free…

All the things she said,  
All the things she said.  
Running through my head.  
All the things she said,  
All the things she said.  
Running through my head.  
This is not enough…'  
  


I lay awake, realizing that I want more from her than she could imagine. I want her and her alone. I want he heart, her souls, and her body, her entire being. I am not being too possessive, I don't think. Isn't love about being able to fully understand the other? How could you do that without knowing all these things? And yet she feared me and ran away. She said she loved me, and ran away. She said she loved me, didn't she? She told me she loved me… didn't she? 

'And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed.  
They say it's my fault, but I want her so much.  
Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain.  
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame.'

Why does she still push me away? She said she loved me! My angel surely wouldn't lie! I tremble as she bathes just a few feet away from me. She will be pure for our god, I must respect that. Perhaps it's that thought alone that keeps me from taking her right there. Seiryuu knows had madly I desire her, so he has helped me by freezing my body in its place. However, that does not stop my mind from thinking its perverse thoughts. I know that a seishi and a miko are forbidden to be together, but my fantasies of coupling with her have infested my mind since the day of the false death of my brother. The rules no longer apply to us, anyway. Screw the gods if they won't acknowledge our love. Maybe I could take even her after Seiryuu was summoned? My heart races at the thought. 

But then a sickening revelation prevails amongst my fantasies: I would take her against her will, wouldn't I? That was how badly I desired her. I am a monster. I tried to do the same thing to the girl I hated. How could I possibly do it to the one I loved? Yet I still knew that I would, and I hated myself for it. 

Would she still love me if I did that? No. I surrender to nothingness. I simply hold her when she comes close, forcing down any lusty feelings for her. I love her, and I will honor her so that she will love me just like she said she does. 

  
'When they stop and stare - don't worry me  
'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me.  
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget  
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head…'

Perhaps one must achieve insanity before they can know true love? I'm led to believe that this is true. Of course, one might wonder why I'm pondering these thoughts just seconds before death. Déjà vu riddles my already pain-racked mind, seeing my crimson blood flowing away from me in vast streams, bringing back such strange delusions. 

'Tell me, what do you see?

Yes, I've lost my mind.

Will I ever be free?

Have I crossed the line?'

It is only then that I can see what true love really is: it is impossible. Two who are in true love cannot love each other forever. They will eventually drown in each other, which is such a powerful sensation that they fear it. Yet I welcomed it, didn't I? And now I pay for it. I am dying. Yui, my angel, please feel no pain for me. I died for you, which may be the best thing that I've ever done in my life. 

After all, I love her more than anything, and she loves me. She told me so, didn't she?

She said she loved me, didn't she?

'Will I ever be free?'

And for once, he got an answer to his question…

No.

'All the things she said,  
All the things she said…  
Running through my head,  
Running through my head…'  
  


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Wow, I certainly know how to take a good song and butcher it, don't I? I'm sorry! I guess I was just in such an angsty mood. The songs itself is actually very good, and the lyrics are in a different order than in my story. By the way, Tatu is a Russian group of two girls and this particular song is about two girls being in love, but I think the lyrics stretched even beyond that. I would highly recommend Tatu to anyone who enjoys music and has an open mind. Anyways, I'm sorry if this fic freaked anyone out! But if it made an impression on you, please review and let me know!

-Kaen

If you'd like to hear the song this fic was written to, go to the following site and click the 'listen' link or the Tatu picture. Fast-forward in the CD RealPlayer to 4 minutes and 21 seconds, or the second track. Enjoy! ^^

http://channels.netscape.com/ns/music/ch/songs_party.jsp?floc=MU-SONG-TATU


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